


'tis the damn season

by kylieinthesky



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Bellamy and Clarke have been in love with each other forever and need to get their shit together, Christmas, Christmas AU, Eventual Smut, Exes, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Modern AU, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:27:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28057650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kylieinthesky/pseuds/kylieinthesky
Summary: "it always leads to you and my hometown."Clarke has a bad habit of going home for the holidays and spending the whole time in Bellamy's bed. But this year she's determined to focus on time with her dad while he's sick. And she can probably manage to be just friends with Bellamy for one Christmas, right?Bellamy isn't going to fall for Clarke again this year. Absolutely not. Friends only. Clarke is never going to stay in Arkadia just to be with him and after 10 years he has to move on.But something feels different about this Christmas for both of them and Clarke and Bellamy are both finding that the road not taken is looking real good now...
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Echo, Emori/John Murphy (The 100), Eric Jackson/Nathan Miller, Jasper Jordan/Maya Vie, Monty Green/Harper McIntyre, Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 38
Kudos: 148





	1. it always leads to you and my hometown

**Author's Note:**

> hiii friends! evermore release combined with my christmas baking this last week conspired in my brain and this little christmas au was born. it's also my first ever au so go easy on me lol.
> 
> it was gonna be a one shot, but it was getting long so I split it in two. Second half should be out soon! 
> 
> enjoy!

Somehow she always ended up back in her hometown. Ten years away hadn’t erased the pull she still felt, tugging her back to Arkadia. Back to her parents. Back to her friends. Back to _him._

Clarke pulled up the collar of her red peacoat against the wind. This trip had been spur of the moment and she always forgot how cold Arkadia got this time of year. It was a far cry from LA’s sunny winter. She was going to have to find some of her old sweaters and scarves in the closet at her parents’ house.

A bell jingled as she stepped through the door to the little neighborhood pharmacy. _Get in and get out quick,_ Clarke told herself. She needed to avoid seeing anyone that would cause…distractions. She needed to get back to spending time with her dad. While she still could.

Clarke browsed for a minute while waiting for the pharmacist to call her name with her dad’s prescription. She’d been trying not to think about why he needed these drugs in the first place, but seeing him last night had made her usual strategy of _avoid at all costs_ a little more complicated.

Jake had looked…frail. She’d never seen him look frail before. She couldn’t even remember a time he’d been sick with a cold when she was growing up. How could he have _cancer_? Luckily his strong voice hadn’t changed. And he’d still beamed when he saw her. But as she hugged him she could feel how weak he was. His arms weren’t firm with muscles like they usually were when they wrapped her up. His chest had seemed sunken. The cancer was already breaking him down.

“Jake Griffin?” She heard the tech call. Clarke walked briskly up to the counter and grabbed the little white bag with Jake’s anti-nausea meds. With the one round of chemo and the pain meds, her dad was having a hard time keeping any food down and Clarke desperately hoped these would help so he could at least enjoy a bit of Christmas dinner.

Clarke had her eyes down, reading the medicine label as she walked towards the exit. Which is why she missed the dark haired figure in front of her, frozen in shock.

“Clarke?”

She looked up just in time to avoid bumping into Octavia Blake face first.

“Octavia. Oh. Um…hi.”

Clarke would have thought seeing Bellamy would have been the worst roadblock on today’s errand, but somehow this was even more awkward.

“You’re home,” the girl said with surprise.

“I’m home. Just for a bit. My dad…well, my parents wanted to see me this year.”

“I’m pretty sure they want to see you every year.” Clarke could hear the judgment in Octavia’s voice. _Ouch,_ she thought. O always had been good at saying exactly what she meant.

“Yeah, they probably do. It’s hard for me to make it all the way out here every year.” Clarke knew she had no defense and wished to herself that this interaction would end quickly.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here. You know, I bet everyone else would love to see you too. If you have the time.”

To her credit, Octavia sounded sincere and less judgy than her first comment. Did she know about Jake’s diagnosis? _No_ , Clarke thought, b _ecause that would mean Bellamy knew about Jake._ Surely Clarke would have heard from him if he knew her dad was dying. _Right?_

“You know Monty and Harper’s Christmas party is tomorrow night,” Octavia continued. “You should stop by. At 7. They moved into the Hill House a couple years ago. Bring a white elephant gift.”

Octavia didn’t wait for a response, and brushed past Clarke toward the drugstore aisles.

Well.

Bellamy used to say Octavia always expected to get exactly what she wanted. Apparently rattling off the details was enough for her to expect Clarke to follow through.

Without deciding anything, Clarke shook it off and braced herself for the cold. Seeing her old friends…seeing Bellamy…didn’t matter this year. She needed to get back to her dad.

~~~~

Bellamy grabbed a beer off the drinks table and walked through the little wooden arch leading into the living room. Monty and Harper had bought this old house on the hill just after getting married a few years back and had turned it into a masterpiece. He couldn’t help but feel jealous that they were settled here with a baby on the way. He was 30 now, and ready for that himself.

A glance around the growing party still filled his heart with warmth though. Murphy and Emori were squeezed into the big red armchair. Harper, with her round pregnant belly was adjusting ornaments on the tree. Raven, Wells, and Echo were arranging the white elephant presents on the coffee table into a lopsided pyramid. Octavia was sitting on Lincoln’s lap, her brand new engagement ring sparkling. Jasper and Maya were sipping their drinks, leaned back against the couch and laughing at the present stacking. Miller and Jackson had just come in from the car with more drinks.

Bellamy didn’t even notice who was missing. He absolutely did not for a second wish that she were here. For real.

Until, that was, Octavia jumped out of Lincoln’s lap and ran over to him looking very concerned. Before he could ask what was wrong, she rambled out in one long sentence, “Oh my gosh Bellamy I forgot to call you this morning to warn you Clarke is in town and I maybe kind of invited her and I think she’s coming to the party tonight.”

It took him a second to process his sister’s verbal explosion.

And then he groaned loudly, walking back into the kitchen and running his hand through his hair.

Octavia quickly followed him.

“Bell…?”

Bellamy pressed his palms into the cold countertop and hung his head.

“Bell, listen, it’s not a big deal okay, she’s just an old friend, nothing is gonna—“

But Bellamy cut his sister off angrily.

“O, you _know_ what happens every time she comes to town! We talked about this when she was here 3 years ago! And last year when we went away so I could avoid it. I can’t see her! Why would you invite her _here?”_

He met Octavia’s eyes and hated the smirk that was there.

“Oh, I know what happens when Clarke comes to town, big brother,” Octavia grinned. “You end up spending the entire trip with her in your bed, and any time we see you when she’s visiting it’s like you’ve been reborn into a new Bellamy who smiles all the time and you sing to yourself when you think no one is paying attention. Clarke may not always be my favorite person, but _damn,_ she must be a good time.”

Bellamy groaned and gave Octavia a light shove.

“First of all, that’s disgusting, you’re my sister. Don’t talk about me having sex,” he reasoned. “Second of all, yeah, okay, maybe I’m happier when she’s here for the season, but you’re forgetting what happens when she leaves, O. And she _always_ leaves.”

Bellamy sunk into a stool at the island and Octavia sat next to him, sobered with a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. She conceded.

“You’re right. That part sucks.”

After a minute Bellamy finally spoke quietly. “I can’t keep doing this, O. I can’t keep falling for her again every couple years and then watching her leave. I want what Monty and Harper have. What you and Lincoln have,” he confessed. “I’m never going to have that with Clarke.”

Bellamy knew Octavia understood the silent question in his last sentence. He needed someone else to say it too.

“You’re never going to have that with Clarke,” Octavia confirmed reluctantly. “However, I did invite her—I’m _sorry_ —so at least for tonight you’re going to have to find a way to not have sex with her. I have faith in you.”

And with that she pranced back to Lincoln, leaving Bellamy to formulate his own plan.

He didn’t get long to brainstorm however, because only a couple minutes later he heard the doorbell ring. Before he even made it back to the living room, he heard her entrance and a gleeful “Clarkey?!” from Jasper, which he knew she was rolling her eyes at.

Sigh. He had no choice but to go in there and force himself to be strictly friends with the only girl he’d ever loved, one beautiful, fiery, perfect Clarke Griffin.

Bellamy stood in the arch between the rooms and watched as Clarke was swept up into hugs by everyone around the room, being introduced to Jackson and Maya, the newest members of their party. Well, she was hugged by nearly everyone. It didn’t go without notice that Echo stayed in her position on the floor by the Christmas tree.

Clarke was wearing a v-neck red sweater, black leggings, and boots, and her blonde hair was curled loosely to her shoulders. _Dammit_ , Bellamy thought. She looked perfect. He could already feel his body temperature increasing from her presence. Suddenly his own sweater felt too tight.

“So,” Raven asked Clarke as she pulled her onto the couch next to her, “What brings our fancy celebrity art gallerist back home to little old Arkadia this time?” Bellamy could only see Clarke’s profile from this angle, but he noticed her blush.

“Stop it, Raven, I am not a celebrity anything.” Clarke brushed off and pointedly did not answer the question.

Wells piped in, “But you’re here! Two years in a row!” He put his hands over his heart in mock sincerity. “What did we ever do to deserve this honor?”

Clarke laughed and casually moved her hair behind her ear as she did. Suddenly Bellamy could imagine himself gently pushing her hair back with his own fingers like he’d done a million times before. Letting his fingers slide down her cheek softly. Meeting her green eyes and leaning in….

_Shit._

This was going to be the most painful Christmas yet.

~~~~

_Where was he?_ Clarke thought to herself. Repeatedly. Like a battering ram to her head as she tried to focus on conversations with her other friends. Everyone was here. Even _Echo_. But there was no sign of Bellamy anywhere. How could he have run away again when he didn’t even know she was in town?

Octavia was showing Clarke her ring and telling the proposal story for what was likely the 50th time, but Clarke’s mind stayed on Bellamy.

They’d been inseparable through all of high school. Best friends for 3 years and then finally, _finally,_ he’d kissed her on the night of his graduation. She had a year left and Bellamy had stayed in town at the community college. They spent her entire senior year together, so madly and deeply in love. It had been the best time of Clarke’s life.

But then Clarke had gotten the internship in LA…and she’d left. That had always been the plan and they’d both known it. She didn’t think Bellamy even blamed her for it in the beginning. And once she got out there things just kept going her way. Her work got featured in a famous artist’s show, then got picked up by a popular news outlet, then her instagram following had exploded, and before Clarke knew it she was running the entire gallery with her own team and selling her pieces to celebrities across the country. Everything in her career had gone so right and so fast that she’d only made it home to Arkadia a handful of times at Christmas.

And every single time she ended up back in Bellamy’s arms.

Until last year. Last year she’d taken a leave of absence from the museum. She’d been putting in 60 hours a week without stop for 8 years, and she’d negotiated for a two month sabbatical. All she’d been able to think of since the last time she’d seen him was Bellamy. Bellamy her best friend, Bellamy the love of her life. So she texted him that she was coming home for a bit and was excited to see him. It was the only time she’d ever given him notice before a visit, and she’d _thought_ that would be a sign to him, that she was serious this time. That she didn’t want to just leave after a week of really incredible sex.

Only Clarke had landed in Arkadia a week before Christmas and quickly learned that Bellamy had taken a trip with his new girlfriend for the holidays. He was in Hawaii and wouldn’t be back until the New Year.

Clarke had felt so ridiculous. Of course he didn’t want to be with her. Of course he’d finally moved on to something _real_. It had been nearly 10 years since they’d actually been together for longer than a weekend. _What had she been thinking?_

Clarke spent the week of Christmas crying on her parents’ couch and then went back to the museum and told them she’d changed her mind on the sabbatical and was here to stay.

And that had been her plan. No Arkadia trips anymore. Her parents could come to LA if they wanted to see her. She was done.

But then she’d gotten that call a week ago. The call about her dad and the cancer. Suddenly staying away didn’t seem so important. And once she was in town it had been to hard to not show up to see her friends.

Which was how she found herself now on Harper and Monty’s couch, with Raven on one side and Wells on the other, with Murphy casually flinging marshmallows at her from across the room as her friends caught her up on their lives.

And Bellamy nowhere to be found.

Harper stood up and clapped her hands to get the room’s attention.

“Okay everyone, we’re gonna move it into the kitchen for the gingerbread house contest! Then we’ll do the gift exchange before this boring pregnant lady expires to bed,” she looked pointedly from Jasper to Monty before finishing, “Sorry this year’s party isn’t the usual rager, boys.”

Monty simply responded by kissing her cheek.

Dammit, Clarke wanted that. The house and the partner and the baby. She wanted all of it.

She stood up to follow everyone into the kitchen and as soon as she turned around she stopped in her tracks.

There stood Bellamy, just inside the doorway between the two rooms. Looking right at her.

Clarke was pretty sure her heart stopped. He was wearing a thick wool sweater and jeans, a beer bottle held by his side. His hair was shorter than it had been 3 years ago, and he was clean shaven now. The last time she had seen Bellamy he’d been mostly naked, kissing her goodbye as she left his bed, and she remembered exactly the feel of his beard against her neck. And breasts. And thighs.

Clarke felt herself flush and she had to look away from his eyes.

All their other friends had disappeared into the kitchen and with a few steps, Clarke found herself standing in front of Bellamy both too soon and not soon enough.

“Hey, Bell,” she said cautiously. She reached out to hug him, but he took a deliberate step back.

“Clarke,” Bellamy nodded once, emotionless. “Welcome back to town.”

And with that he turned into the kitchen and walked away from her.

Clarke’s already hurting heart withered.

~~~~

Bellamy ached with the need to hug her. He knew exactly how warm she’d feel against his chest if he’d accepted her hug, and that was exactly why he’d stepped away. If he let her body press into his for even a second, he knew he’d be a goner.

He slid into the chair next to Murphy and started collecting candy onto his plate while he tried hard not to watch whatever Clarke was doing.

“So…” Murphy drawled quietly. “Looks like someone is getting laid tonight, huh?” He nudged Bellamy with his shoulder.

“What are you talking about, Murphy?”

“You-Know-Who is here. And when she’s here, you get to have sex. Honestly, I’m happy for you man, it’s probably been a dry spell since Gina, right?”

Bellamy grumbled under his breath.

“John, leave him alone,” Emori hushed from Murphy’s other side, but Bellamy was pretty sure she was amused by the taunting herself.

“I’m not saying anything controversial! Just the truth. We all know Bellamy is happier when he’s getting some action from Clarke.”

“Listen,” Bellamy finally spoke up. “There will be no ‘action’ with Clarke, okay? That’s over. I’ve moved on.”

Bellamy heard a small snort from across the table and looked up to discover Echo had been listening to the whole exchange.

He met her eyes and she raised a sharp eyebrow in a challenge.

“You weren’t over her 3 years ago, and you aren’t over her now. Stop kidding yourself, Bellamy.”

Echo picked up her things and moved to the end of the table next to Harper where she sat down abruptly.

He didn’t even look to the island where Clarke was working to be sure she hadn’t witnessed the scene.

Bellamy felt guilt seep through him. He’d run from the guilt about what happened 3 years ago for a long time. Echo had been surprisingly cool with the whole thing and he wasn’t entirely sure everyone in the group even knew about it. It’d been easy to pretend he was ignoring it.

But the truth was, Bellamy hadn’t exactly been single the last time Clarke had come to town. He and Echo had been seeing each other casually for a couple months leading up to the holidays, and even though they’d never explicitly talked about remaining exclusive, he was pretty sure that’s what she was expecting from him. But then Clarke showed up unexpectedly like she always did two days before Christmas. And Bellamy had been a big enough jerk to forget about Echo for the entire weekend and spend it instead relearning every way Clarke liked to be touched.

When Clarke had left early the morning after Christmas, he’d resurfaced and realized what a dick he’d been to Echo. He’d expected fury on her end—and he knew he deserved it. But Echo didn’t even seem surprised. He remembered exactly what she’d said when he told her he’d been with Clarke. “Bellamy, there’s an ache in you, and it’s never been for me. I knew what I was getting myself into.”

They’d parted amicably and somehow she’d remained a strong part of their friend group. But Bellamy had never forgotten how ashamed he felt that day.

It’s why he’d booked two tickets to Hawaii the night Clarke had texted him last November. She never warned him she was coming home, and honestly he hadn’t even paused to figure out what it meant that she had this time. He’d been with Gina for 6 months and knew she was way out of his league. He wasn’t going to let Clarke ruin that for him.

So he took Gina to Hawaii for Christmas, using basically all of his meager savings, and spent the holidays ignoring the ache in his chest. Of course, things unraveled with Gina shortly after New Years when Jasper let slip that Bellamy had missed his favorite holiday tradition. Bellamy didn’t blame her. She deserved someone who wasn’t pining after his high school sweetheart after 10 years.

 _Ten goddamn years,_ he thought bitterly.

Unfortunately, the only thing suffering with Bellamy in that moment was his gingerbread house. In his frustration he’d accidentally broken about half the pieces that made up the house, and had haphazardly tried to glue them together with frosting. This part of the Christmas festivities had never been his strong suit, but he was embarrassed to admit this was his worst offering yet.

“Yikes, man,” Miller assessed from next to Bellamy. “That’s even worse than your usual.”

“Right, as if you get any credit for _that_.” Bellamy gestured at the elaborate gingerbread house Jackson was expertly piping icicles off of.

“I get credit for picking a talented teammate.” Miller gloated.

As everyone finished their houses, they all lined them up around the table to vote on their favorites. Bellamy couldn’t help feeling endeared by the fact that Clarke’s also looked like shit. Apparently candy was not her preferred artistic medium.

Jackson (and okay, kind of Miller) walked away with the grand prize, which was actually just a bottle of Monty’s latest batch of moonshine. While Miller hooted in celebration Jackson eyed it warily.

~~~~

Clarke was _good_ at gingerbread houses. Really! She’d made incredible ones over the years. But sitting at the island with just Raven and Wells after Bellamy had brushed her off so decisively she just couldn’t muster the energy. At least Bellamy’s house had also been terrible.

After an interim of snacks and wine, Clarke found herself being herded back to the living room for the gift exchange.

“All right, everyone, you know the rules,” Monty prepped after everyone had formed a circle around the table of gifts. “You pick a present in the order of your number, then open it and show everyone. Then the next person can either open a new gift or steal a gift that’s been opened before. Each gift gets two steals and the person who went first will get a chance to steal at the very end. Who has number one?”

Number one had gone to Maya, who picked a very poorly wrapped cylindrical item, which turned out to be an also very poorly crocheted blanket from Miller.

Then Jasper opened a book of bad puns from Monty, and Raven unwrapped a set of shot glasses with Murphy’s face printed on them.

As more presents got opened and the shot glasses got stolen twice, Clarke started to realize that every gift her friends unwrapped had some sort of meaning or inside joke to go with it. And she understood exactly zero of them. She hated feeling so on the outside of these people she’d loved all her life. And she hated that the gift she’d brought wasn’t going to illicit laughter or a significant memory from any of them. She was starting to dread the moment someone opened her present.

“Since the shot glasses are dead, I guess I’ll go for something new…” Emori trailed off as she examined the remaining few presents. Finally she grabbed the little flat one Clarke had brought. She ripped back the paper to reveal a small 5x7 canvas Clarke had painted over a decade before. Clarke immediately felt embarrassed. It was a painting of Jaha Lake at sunset. There were canoes lined up by the dock, and the reflection of the clouds was rippling in the water. And that was it. It was nothing special to anyone else, and she’d only wrapped it up at the last minute because she didn’t have time to go out and buy something better.

“It’s really pretty Clarke,” Emori assured her.

“And it’s a Clarke Griffin original, so it’s probably worth a million dollars by now.”

“Shut up, Murphy,” at least 3 people chorused as Clarke tried not to blush.

The game continued and Clarke found herself stealing a bottle of wine from Harper, who couldn’t drink it anyway. She didn’t want to take an item that held actual significance to any of her friends, so the wine seemed safest.

Finally, all the presents had been opened and Bellamy was the only player remaining. He walked around for a minute, jokingly commenting on everyone’s items as he threatened to steal them.

And then he stopped in front of Emori. She met his eye and without any verbal communication held out the painting. He took it quietly and returned to his seat without fanfare.

Clarke felt her neck get hot as she watched him look over the painting in his chair. She couldn’t read his expression. Did he take the painting because it was sentimental to him somehow? Did he know the story behind it? Or was he just taking pity on her and trying to make her feel included with her lame gift?

In the end it didn’t matter, because the game came to its conclusion and no one brought up the painting again. Clarke tried to catch Bellamy’s eye as everyone started cleaning up wrapping paper, but she was pretty sure he was blatantly avoiding looking her way.

“Well guys, I hate to kick you all out, but it’s off to bed for Harper and the baby,” Monty told them all.

Harper yawned exaggeratedly next to him.

Clarke heard Bellamy talking to Monty quietly as everyone else started to reach for coats and say their goodbyes.

“…guys should go to bed and let me worry about cleaning up the kitchen,” he was saying.

Monty started to protest, but Bellamy waved him off and moved toward the mess without waiting for permission.

Clarke hesitated. Bellamy was obviously avoiding her. He’d been staying away from her all night. While she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, she saw this opportunity as maybe her only chance to get a moment alone with him and make sure everything was okay.

So as the living room cleared out and Clarke gave a dozen hugs to her friends, she hung behind.  
  
“Thank you for having me over on short notice,” she told Harper, still watching Bellamy gather dishes out of the corner of her eye.

“Clarke, stop. You are always welcome here, you know that.”

Harper followed Clarke’s gaze to Bellamy.

“And listen…” She put her hand gently on Clarke’s arm. “Whatever’s supposed to happen will happen, okay?”

Clarke snapped her eyes back to her friend, feeling embarrassed to be caught in her spying.

“Right, yeah, of course,” she mumbled. And then added decisively, “Harper, I think I’ll stay and help clean up a bit too, if that’s okay.”

Harper smiled knowingly and retreated down the hall to go to bed.

Clarke busied herself in the living room, picking up trash left behind and fixing the furniture pillows that had been scattered as people sat on the floor. Eventually she ran out of things to tidy and made her way to the kitchen, nonchalantly grabbing the broom and sweeping up the candy remains under the table and counters.

Bellamy continued to ignore her.

After about 10 minutes it was clear the room was clean enough and neither of them could pretend anymore.

“Thanks for helping,” Bellamy said with only a short glance in Clarke’s direction. He moved towards the coat rack and pulled on his scarf, coat, and gloves.

 _Well. I tried,_ Clarke thought, and she resigned herself to give up on getting Bellamy to talk to her. They moved out the front door onto the porch where there was a flurry of snow in the air. Clarke was halfway to her car before she heard Bellamy’s muttered, “Shit.”

She turned back to him, standing in the empty driveway.

“I…I didn’t drive here,” he said. Clarke just raised an eyebrow. “I had Murphy pick me up because I needed gas and didn’t want to be late.”

Suddenly the spark of opportunity was alight again.

“Well, I have my dad’s truck,” Clarke said. Bellamy didn’t even try to hide his reluctance. He looked back at the Green’s house, now completely dark but for the Christmas lights.

“Oh give it up, Bellamy,” she finally said, losing her patience. “You’re not going to go in there and wake Monty up just to give you a ride, and you’re not going to walk three miles to your house in the snow either. Get in the damn truck so I can drive you home.”

She stomped off to the driver’s side, leaving Bellamy to follow or not.

~~~~

Bellamy felt so ridiculous. How could he have forgotten that he didn’t have a car here? And why did Clarke have to be the only one left?

He was also thrown by the bite in her voice before she’d trudged through the snow to the truck. She was hurt by how he was acting and honestly he didn’t blame her. It’s not like she was actively trying to seduce him. He just couldn’t be trusted when Clarke was around.

He slid into the passenger side of the cab.

“It’s actually only two miles,” he noted. “I moved about a year ago so I could be closer to work.”

“Oh. Then you’ll have to tell me where to go.”

Bellamy gave her instructions to his house and then there was silence.

God, he hated this. This was miserable. He wanted to talk to Clarke like he always could. He wanted to hold her and kiss her and beg her to stay in Arkadia to be with him.

He wanted to lay in her bed with her while her parents were at work like they had as teenagers. Staring at the stupid painting in his coat pocket that had previously belonged on her nightstand.

He’d asked her about it once, after one of the first times they’d ever slept together, towards the end of her senior year.

_“What’s that painting of?”_

_“The dock at Jaha Lake. You don’t recognize it?” Her back was pressed into his chest and they were both facing the painting._

_“No, I recognize the place, but what’s special about it? Just a nice image? Or is it about something more?”_

_Clarke nuzzled her cheek into his arm._

_“Actually, I think I did paint it for a reason. Remember that day we went canoeing when I was a freshman? You wanted to take Octavia but she was throwing a fit about it and ended up sitting on the dock pouting while we took one tiny lap and then gave up.”_

_Bellamy remembered that day, but it still didn’t seem like a special enough memory to commit to painting._

_“That’s the day…” Clarke continued before trailing off. He squeezed her stomach affectionately to encourage her, but instead of answering she twisted around to face him, her naked chest pressed against his. She looked him in the eyes and explained. “That’s the first day I realized that you were my best friend. You were so patient with Octavia even when she was being a brat and you kept making me laugh despite the change in plans. I just remember being so happy that day that I had you in my life.”_

_Bellamy felt his heart swell. It had probably been around that time when he’d consciously picked her too. He leaned in to kiss her softly, his hands trailing down her back and whispering “I love you,” into her neck._

And that was about all the reminiscing Bellamy could do without fear of immediately trying to reenact the past.

When Octavia had unwrapped the painting Bellamy’s heart had stopped. Did Clarke choose that gift to remind him of their history? Or had she forgotten she’d even told him that story in the first place? Either way it didn’t matter, because no one else in that room deserved the painting and he wasn’t going to let it go. Even if it hurt to look at, he was going to keep it forever.

Only minutes later Clarke was stopping the truck in front of Bellamy’s little duplex. He’d moved here last year because it was across the street from the high school they’d both attended where he now taught. On the opposite side of the neighborhood the Methodist church was lit up with Christmas lights and a glowing Nativity scene.

Bellamy mumbled a quiet thanks and reached for the door handle.

“Are you mad at me?” Clarke burst out, turning in her seat to face him. “Because if you’re mad at me you should tell me what I did so I can fix it.”

His heart broke. Clarke hadn’t done anything wrong.

With a deep sigh Bellamy gave in. He abandoned the door handle and turned to finally, _finally,_ look at her hurting eyes.

“I’m not mad at you.” _I’m mad at myself when I’m around you,_ he didn’t say.

Clarke was obviously still confused. “Are you dating someone? Is that why you won’t talk to me? Is this about Echo?”

Bellamy brushed his hand down his face roughly.

“No, it’s not about Echo. And I’m not dating someone, Clarke. But I’d _like_ to be someday. And we both know that someone can’t be you.”

There. It was out and he’d said it. No more dancing around feelings and avoiding talking with sex.

Clarke’s eyes wilted a bit.

“Right. I know that.” She hesitated before admitting, “But I miss you.” Before he could jump in she continued, “And not just…what we’ve been the last 10 years. I miss Bellamy, my best friend. I need my best friend.”

Bellamy could see tears on the edge of her eyelids, threatening to spill over. Everything inside of him was screaming to reach out and hold her. He wanted to pull her into his lap and cradle her until she didn’t feel this hurt anymore.

“My dad is sick, Bell.” She was practically whispering now.

“He’s…he’s sick? How sick?”

The tears had escaped down Clarke’s cheek now.

“Pancreatic cancer. He only got diagnosed a week ago and it’s been a rapid decline since. He may not have more than a couple weeks left.”

This time Bellamy didn’t refuse the instinct. He unbuckled Clarke’s seatbelt and pulled her into the middle seat to meet him in a hug. He could feel her wet tears against his neck as she wrapped her arms around him. They rocked back and forth as Clarke let her tears fall.

After a long moment she pulled back. He brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear, just like he’d imagined doing earlier tonight, but this time it didn’t seem sexual at all. It was just Bellamy, comforting his best friend.

He decided something.

“We can be just friends,” he told her. She looked at him with doubt on her face and he grinned.

“No, really, we can. We were friends for a long time before everything else. And maybe in recent interactions we have…er… _struggled_ to stay platonic, but we’ve also never really tried before either.”

Clarke still looked a bit skeptical, but she was smiling now too.

“You mean you won’t be too tempted to jump my bones if we hang out while I’m in town?” She asked playfully.

“Oh, I didn’t say I wouldn’t be tempted.”

That made Clarke laugh and he beamed.

“Okay.” Clarke agreed, nodding. “Okay. We can be friends. _Just_ friends.”

“We’ve got this. No big deal.”

Bellamy reached out a hand and they dramatically shook on it.

“My dad would love to see you, by the way.” Clarke looked down, playing with the end of her scarf. “I think he’s honestly always loved you as much as he loves me.”

“That’s impossible. But I’d love to see him, too.”

“Thank you.” Clarke met his eyes and the sincerity cut through him. He absolutely did not want to lean in and kiss her for the rest of the night, because _they were just friends._

“Always, Princess.”

And he leaned in anyways. Bellamy planted a quick, chaste kiss on her forehead before gathering his things and saying goodnight.

~~~~

Turns out being best friends with Bellamy wasn’t too hard if they just continued to never be alone together.

They went skating at the ice rink with Octavia, Lincoln, Raven, and Wells. Clarke skated in circles holding Raven’s hand and laughing about old times. And when Bellamy jokingly skated into the two of them, it wasn’t even that hard to resist reaching out and grabbing him.

Then Bellamy had come over to the Griffin’s house to help make cookies for Abby’s coworkers at the hospital. Clarke loved the way the energy in her house lit up when Bellamy was there, teasing her and her parents fondly. And maybe Clarke wanted to wrap her arms around him from behind as he dropped cookies onto the pans, but she refrained just fine.

Murphy and Emori invited them out to the local bar one night the week of Christmas. Even with a couple drinks in them both, and wearing a dress from high school that was a bit too snug on her now, Clarke managed to not pull Bellamy onto the dance floor.

Really, they were killing this just friends thing.

Two nights before Christmas Bellamy helped Clarke maneuver her dad’s wheelchair through the cobblestones of the town square. Clarke had bought them all hot chocolates from a stand on the street, and even though her dad wasn’t actually drinking his, she was glad he’d agreed to leave the house tonight.

They found a good spot facing the giant decorated pine tree in the center of the roundabout and Clarke listened happily while Bellamy chatted with Jake about the engineering it had taken to light all of downtown.

Bellamy had hunched over to hear Jake better from his chair. She happened to know Bellamy didn’t care a bit about engineering, but it was the first time Jake had seemed engaged in a conversation all day, and she was so grateful to him for it.

 _This is how it’s supposed to be,_ Clarke thought to herself. Except Bellamy was supposed to be her husband and they were supposed to be starting a family in their hometown, surrounded by all the people they loved. She was standing here with her two favorite men, and she was supposed to be holding Bellamy’s hand.

Clarke had always thought she’d wanted LA. And the last ten years there had been a dream, really. But she was starting to feel like the pieces that were missing from her life in California were too big a sacrifice to make.

Bellamy stood back up next to her as the Arkadia Community Choir filled the area in the front of the tree in three neat lines. They were all dressed in red and white and gold and Clarke’s heart swelled as they started singing holiday hymns.

She felt a gloved hand against hers and reached down to grasp her dad’s hand tightly.

If this was as much as she ever got with Bellamy and her dad…well it wasn’t a horrible life.

~~~~

This was never going to be enough for him.

Bellamy climbed into bed on Christmas Eve after a night of food and carols and games at the Griffin’s house. They’d invited him over with Octavia and Lincoln for a traditional Christmas meal and everything had felt so _right._

Everything but the fact that he was now crawling into bed alone.

The last week of seeing Clarke nearly every day was both awakening him and destroying him in equal parts. Seeing her laugh with flour on her face in the Griffin’s kitchen was perfect until he realized he couldn’t reach out to wipe it away with his thumb. Seeing her dance at the bar with that incredible dress hugging her curves was thrilling until he realized he couldn’t put his hands on her hips and move with her. And maybe worst of all was seeing her hold her dad’s hand in the town square and knowing he was supposed to be holding her other one.

The problem with Clarke coming to town every couple years had never been that he just wanted to have sex with her. It had always been that every time he kissed her he fell head over heels again. And it turned out he could fall hopelessly in love with Clarke Griffin even if they never touched.

Tonight as he’d been preparing to head home he found Clarke sitting on the back porch, wrapped in about 12 blankets with hot coffee in hand.

“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”

Clarke smiled up at him, but he could see her eyes were watery.

“Hence the blanket cocoon,” she replied.

“Just a sec.”

Bellamy went back into the now-empty living room and grabbed the last blankets left on the couch. Then he wrapped himself in his own blanket cocoon and went back to the porch to join Clarke on the chair opposite hers.

“Yup. Still freezing.”

Clarke laughed.

“How are you holding up?” He asked her gently.

“Oh, you know.” She had a tear on her cheek now and Bellamy waited for her to continue. “I feel happy and sad every other minute. I already miss him so much, but this week has also felt like magic. I don’t think I’ve let myself have this much fun with my parents in a long time.”

Bellamy hummed in response.

“I hate that these are our last days together. And I hate that we haven’t had more in the last ten years. But I’m always going to remember how special this trip has been with him.” Clarke paused, looking down at her mug. “And with you.”

She met his eyes and Bellamy matched her sad smile.

“Do you remember that time,” he started, “when your dad went to Octavia’s daddy daughter dance in 6th grade?”

“Of course. It was your freshman year and we’d just become friends,” she nodded.

“He barely knew me, let alone my sister. But the second he heard she wouldn’t go to the dance because there was no one to take her he’d volunteered. He started inviting us over for dinner all the time so we could know him better.”

“And remember that awful corsage my mom tried to make for O that night?”

Bellamy and Clarke both laughed as they reminisced.

“It was _huge!”_

“Poor Octavia—it was the size of her head.”

Bellamy smiled at the memory of his little sister, clad in her first fancy dress, a hand-me-down from Clarke, and in awe at the ugly corsage she got to wear.

“You know she carefully hung it to dry after. I’d bet she still has it stashed somewhere safe.”

“Thank you,” Clarke whispered.

He looked at her questioningly.

“Thank you for being here. And loving my dad. And still being my best friend after everything. I’m not sure I deserve it.”

“Clarke, stop that,” Bellamy said immediately. “You’ve never needed to do anything to deserve my friendship. I’ll be here. Always.”

It felt wrong not to be holding her hand while he reassured her. Not to follow it with a kiss.

But Clarke smiled at him and his heart broke and soared simultaneously.

They’d talked for another hour out on the porch in the cold, reflecting on high school memories and their friends. For the first time since before he’d graduated he wasn’t sure Clarke even wanted more than friendship. The bittersweet twinge of being with her without being _with_ her had followed him all the way through their goodnights and the drive home.

It wasn’t until he’d closed the door behind him that he admitted to himself that this love, this burning feeling for Clarke in his heart, was never going to go away.


	2. you can call me babe for the weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second and final part! I changed the rating to E, just a heads up, as this chapter does get plenty smutty. 
> 
> Enjoy!

In the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, Clarke had watched heartbroken as her dad’s health declined rapidly. He’d spent a couple nights in the hospital just after Christmas and then had been released on hospice care. Abby had taken a leave of absence from the hospital so she could care for him full time.

Clarke sat by her father’s hospice bed early on New Years Eve. He looked peaceful as he slept. After he’d left the hospital they’d brought the bed into the first floor guest room for accessibility. Bellamy and Miller had been over to help move around the furniture. Now Clarke held her dad’s thin fingers loosely as the emotions flowed through her. She was devastated to see him go, but she could feel in heart that it was almost time.

After a long while she felt Jake’s hand grip hers and she looked up to see him awake.

“It’s not too late, you know,” he said in a small voice.

“Too late for what, dad?”

“I lost your mom a few times over the years too. But it’s never too late to fix it.”

Clarke’s neck warmed as she realized what her dad was saying. He was talking about her and Bellamy. She hated the flicker of hope he ignited in her.

“Dad, he’s…” she stumbled. “I can’t be what he wants anymore.” He’d said as much, right? That night in the truck outside his house. He wanted something real. And he’d said it wasn’t her.

“Honey, I think we both know you’re all he’s ever wanted.”

Clarke looked back up to her dad’s face, but his eyes were already closed and she could tell he was drifting into sleep again.

Could he be right? Was she what Bellamy wanted? And were they both willing to make the sacrifices it took to be together for real?

After high school, Clarke hadn’t even asked Bellamy to come with her to LA. She knew he’d hate it there and she knew he wanted to graduate college and teach in Arkadia. She wasn’t going to ask him to abandon his dream just so she could live her own.

And he hadn’t asked her to stay, either. Over the years of holiday visits he’d only ever asked her to stay the night—never forever. How could he have wanted that this whole time and never once asked?

Clarke pondered on her dad’s words for about 15 minutes before she couldn’t fight the urge anymore and pulled out her cell phone to call Bellamy.

They’d texted a bit throughout the last two weeks, always about plans with her family or their friends. Always carefully, with no flirting involved. She knew how easy it would be to slip into their flirty banter over text and he was obviously trying to avoid that, so she’d followed his lead. But now she just needed to hear his voice.

He picked up on the fourth ring, sounding alarmed.

“Clarke? Is everything okay? Did…did it happen?”

“No, sorry! I didn’t meant to scare you. Dad’s the same. I just…” She trailed off, not knowing how to ask what she wanted to ask.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to come over tonight and watch a movie with me? I mean, with us?”

There was a pause on the line.

“Jasper’s party is tonight at the bar…”

 _Shit._ Clarke had forgotten it was New Years Eve. They were supposed to be partying with all of their friends, getting drunk and dancing until after midnight. She’d even picked out a sparkly new dress in town. But as soon as he reminded her of the event, she knew she didn’t have the energy for that right now. Not when her dad could go any time.

“Right,” she confirmed. “I forgot about that. Sorry. I…I think I’ll stay home tonight to be with my parents, if that’s okay. I don’t think I’d be much fun at a party.” She tried to laugh, but it was half-hearted.

“I’ll come over.” Bellamy said it abruptly. Decisively.

“What?”

“I’ll come over tonight. To watch a movie. I don’t need to go to the party.”

“Bellamy, no,” Clarke protested. “You don’t need to miss the party just because I’m….You should go be with everyone.”

“Clarke, I’ve been to this same party every New Years since high school. I’d rather be with you.”

Clarke felt herself getting hot all over.

 _Just friends, just friends, just friends,_ she chanted to herself.

“What time?” He asked.

Clarke gave him some details, thanked him, and said goodbye. Then she kissed her dad’s forehead and ran off to tell her mom they were apparently hosting a movie night.

~~~~

Bellamy showed up at exactly 7pm. He wasn’t sure what he was getting himself into tonight, he just knew he had to be with Clarke at midnight. Even if he couldn’t kiss her, being by her side felt right. Abby ushered him into the kitchen where he put down the bottle of champagne he’d brought for a midnight toast.

Bellamy had been on edge thinking about Clarke all day. They hadn’t talked on the phone in years, and hearing her timid voice this morning…well he was pretty sure she wanted something, and he was pretty sure it was exactly what he was desperate for. Seeing her standing in the kitchen didn’t help. She was wearing a matching set of Christmas pajamas that were soft pink with cute little reindeers printed all over the pants and button-up top. His own pajamas were much less adorable, just a black t-shirt with red and black plaid pajama pants.

This morning Bellamy had thought that suggesting this movie night be a pajama party would turn the sexual frustration he was feeling into something more family-friendly, but that was before he’d seen the buttons pulled tight over Clarke’s breasts.

_Lord, help me._

It didn’t take long for everyone to get gathered around the TV in the living room with pizza on plates in their laps. Abby sat in the armchair next to Jake’s bed, which had been angled so he could sit up and watch with them. That left Clarke on one half of the loveseat with Bellamy on the other, a careful two feet of space separating them.

Jake had picked the movie White Christmas, despite the holiday being past, and they got through it without incident. Then Clarke picked out When Harry Met Sally in honor of the holiday they were actually celebrating that night.

Except it was already about 2 hours past Jake’s bedtime and 30 minutes in he was dozing off.

“Darn it, I was hoping he’d make it to midnight,” Abby said sadly. Bellamy could see how tired Clarke’s mom was too. He was willing to bet she’d hardly slept in the last two weeks of caring for her husband.

“Well, let’s just say it’s midnight now, then,” Bellamy decided, standing up and retrieving the bottle of champagne and 4 flutes from the kitchen. He could feel Clarke’s eyes on him as he opened the right cabinet on the first try.

Abby lightly jostled Jake awake, and they passed around the glasses of champagne. Before they could drink, Jake spoke up in a sleepy voice.

“To my family,” he toasted, looking at each of them in turn.

His eyes landed on Bellamy last and Bellamy’s chest got hot. Jake gave him a tiny, almost imperceptible wink.

Abby and Jake shared a “midnight” kiss and Clarke leaned over to kiss her dad’s cheek, too.

“I love you, daddy,” she whispered to him. “Happy New Year.”

Abby wheeled Jake back to the guest bedroom, where they were both staying now.

And then suddenly Bellamy and Clarke were alone. In her parents’ dark house, with a romantic movie queued up, champagne on the coffee table, and the glow of the Christmas tree warming the room. Midnight was less than two hours away.

 _I could give her a midnight kiss._ He thought. _Just one little peck wouldn’t be too weird, right?_

“Want to finish the movie? I love this one,” Bellamy asked, hardly waiting for an answer.

“Oh, sure. Me too.” She sounded shy.

The air hung heavy around them as Clarke pressed play. Bellamy poured them each another glass of champagne and then stood to walk the bottle back to the fridge. He made a snap decision on his way back. He was doing this. Screw the consequences.

Clarke was sipping on her drink as he sat down on the loveseat again. The measured space between them all but disappeared as he sat much, much closer to her than he had before. His heart beat rapidly, feeling the heat of her body just inches from his. She froze for a minute before loosening up again.

The movie continued. Another 30 minutes passed. They both finished their champagne. They laughed at the appropriate times, but they didn’t talk like they usually would.

 _This is happening._ Bellamy thought. _Is she feeling this too?_ He was pretty sure he was sweating.

God, he felt like he was in high school again. Sitting next to her while their friends talked through countless movies, trying to read her signals. Did she want him to hold her hand? How would she react if he put an arm around her?

Bellamy leaned forward to put his champagne flute back on the coffee table. When he sat back into the couch, they were even closer. He could feel their legs pressed up against each other. He felt a beat of self-loathing at his inability to resist this girl, but the heat of possibility running through his body pushed it away.

Bellamy was pretty sure Clarke could hear his heart beating outside of his chest.

Clarke had been pretty still next to him as he got closer, but suddenly she shifted, as if deciding something. She moved her feet underneath her, making the rest of her body lean into his side.

That was all the permission he needed. Instinctively he reached his right arm around her, and she leaned fully into his chest.

And there they were. They were officially cuddling together on the couch.

The movie droned on in the background, but Bellamy was too preoccupied by Clarke’s proximity to pay attention to it. He’d spent the last two weeks resisting every urge to touch her and here she was, curled into him like this was the most normal thing in the world.

It kind of was.

Clarke casually laid her hand on his chest, and Bellamy was aware on the effect it had on his heart and his…uh…

He brushed his fingers up and down her arm lightly. She started moving her hand back and forth across his abdomen. He felt like they were in a complicated dance, just waiting to see who was going to take the next step. Had he started this by sitting closer to her on the couch? Or had she started it when she’d called him this morning with that thick voice asking him to come over? He didn’t know, but the small part of him determined not to take this too far was rapidly shrinking.

Clarke pressed herself tighter into him and he could feel her heart racing as fast as his. He felt his resolve slipping.

Then she nuzzled her cheek into his bicep. He felt a tiny brush of her lips against his skin. He stopped breathing.

She let her hand slide down to rest on his hip and she squeezed. Bellamy gave in.

In one fluid moment he twisted towards her, bringing his free hand to lift her chin, and pressed his lips firmly to hers.

~~~~

From the second Bellamy had sat closer to her on the couch, Clarke had known this was going to happen. Okay, maybe she’d known when she called him this morning. Or maybe she’d known when she booked her flight two weeks ago. Regardless, Bellamy’s lips were _finally_ pressed to hers and it felt like the last piece of the puzzle had clicked into place.

She responded to him eagerly, pulling him closer and opening her mouth to him. Without conscious thought her hands had moved into his soft curls, gently pulling. She felt like she couldn’t get him close enough. His tongue licked into her mouth and she gasped lightly as it came in contact with her own.

Bellamy moved his hands to her hips and hoisted her into his lap hurriedly. Suddenly she was straddling him as he worked his mouth down her jaw to suck at the spot on her pulse point he knew she loved. She could feel him hard underneath her already and she moaned into his hair. She felt him smile against her neck.

“Not too loud, babe, your parents aren’t far away.” His voice was deep and husky as he teased her. Clarke ground her hips down against him and he dropped his head back against the couch, gasping.

“Don’t pretend you can’t make just as much noise as me,” she lilted as she brought her mouth to his throat. She licked a strip up to the side of his jaw and he let his hands come up under her pajama top, gripping her sides and yanking her closer.

“Upstairs,” Bellamy grumbled. He stood up, gripping Clarke by the ass as she locked her legs behind him.

He almost tripped at the first stair as she continued sucking on his neck and they had to stop for a minute as they alternated laughing and shushing each other quietly.

Finally they got through the door of Clarke’s bedroom and he dropped her onto her bed.

Their laughter had died and suddenly the scene didn’t seem funny anymore. The rushed heat of their making out on the couch slowed down and the air was thick with emotion. Bellamy leaned over her on the bed and kissed her slowly, passionately, lovingly. Clarke felt her breath getting heavy with feelings and want.

He unbuttoned her top slowly, kissing his way down her chest and stomach. The tenderness of his touch made Clarke feel like she was going to cry.

In the past when they’d slept together on her trips home it was hurried and playful, ripping each others’ clothes off hastily while describing the dirty things they wanted to do to each other. But _this_ —this felt different.

Clarke pulled his shirt off too, and they both did away with their own pants. Soon Clarke was laying on top of her covers, in only her black lace bra and panties, and Bellamy was looking at her from above, his erection straining against his tight boxers. Clarke shuddered with a chill.

Bellamy pulled back the duvet and they both crawled under the covers together. He pulled her into his chest, hands exploring roughly over her body. Clarke slipped a hand under the back of his briefs to grip his ass and pull him tight against her, one leg slipping between hers. The pressure of his thigh against her center made her ache for more.

Bellamy must have been able to feel her desire, because he brought his hand to her breast, pinching her nipple through the light fabric of her bra. She quickly reached back to remove it, and he brought his mouth down to her, pulling a peaked nipple into his mouth and sucking. Clarke’s breaths were coming in shudders and gasps. He’d always loved her breasts and she’d always loved the thorough treatment he gave them. He bit her nipple lightly and she moaned.

Clarke needed more. She reached her own hand down to slip under her panties, but he stopped it with his, mouth still caressing her breast. He moved her hand up to his neck and then slipped his fingers into her panties. He pressed two fingers to her clit and she moaned with pleasure and relief.

“Bellamy, please. I need more,” She panted.

He moved his mouth back to lick into hers as he moved his hands up and down her folds, letting his fingers get wet with her. Then he found the spot he knew so well again and started rubbing circles slowly. She could feel herself tightening underneath him almost immediately.

Bellamy kissed his way down to her chest again, licking a hot stripe between her breasts. Then he teased her nipple with his tongue, never letting up on the increasing pace his fingers were keeping below.

It didn’t take long before Clarke was coiled to the point of breaking. She was pulling on his hair as he sucked a hard mark into the side of her breast and just as she was about to scream out in release Bellamy put his other hand against her mouth.

Clarke felt her whole body pulse in rhythmic beats as she came on his fingers hard. She cried out into his hand, grateful he was muffling the sounds she couldn’t help making. He slid two fingers inside of her as she came down from her high and she writhed underneath him. He massaged his fingers in and out gently as she panted.

“Enjoying yourself, babe?” He asked her slyly.

Clarke whimpered in response.

After a minute of recovery, Clarke reached down to grip him through his briefs and Bellamy’s relentless hands on her body froze. She slid her hand into his pants and gripped his hard dick, slowly pumping him up and down.

“Bellamy…” she whispered as she bit his neck teasingly.

“Hmm?” His head had flopped back onto the pillow and his eyes were closed.

“I need you to take your pants off and fuck me really, _really_ hard.”

She didn’t have to ask him twice.

Bellamy was braced above her in seconds, condom retrieved from her nightstand and rolled on quickly. He pushed into her slowly, watching her face as he eased her into taking him. Clarke realized he probably didn’t know he was the last man she’d slept with 3 years ago. Dating women in LA was easier and men hadn’t been worth the trouble lately.

But even so, Bellamy big inside of her didn’t hurt a bit. It felt right. This is how she wanted him, connected and one. Before he started moving inside her, he pulled her legs against his hips and leaned forward, kissing her lips softly.

“Clarke…” he mumbled into her neck. She could tell he wanted to say something more, so she waited, feeling his breath hot against her. Finally he said in a low murmur, “I love you.”

For a second Clarke’s heart stopped. They’d had a lot of sex since high school, however sporadic. Like, all-weekend marathon, orgasming 5 times a night sex. They’d used their hands and mouths and various toys to make each other feel all kinds of physical pleasure. But this— _I love you_ —they hadn’t done _that_ in 10 years. And it made Clarke feel more at home than she had since the day she left for LA.

“I love you, too,” she answered honestly, and he kissed her so tenderly she felt like she was melting.

And then Bellamy started moving. He started slow, thrusting in and out of her silently. He gripped her leg with one hand and her breast with another. After a minute he quickened his pace, holding both her legs as he slammed into her hard and fast, just the way she liked it. Every time his pelvic bone hit her clit she felt the aftershocks of her orgasm shudder through her.

Finally they groaned together as his muscles stiffened and he came inside her. His chin fell to his chest as he gasped for air, and Clarke wrapped her legs around his back, her finger nails pressing little half circles into his arms where she was clutching him. And then he collapsed into her chest, resting his cheek in the dip between her breasts as they both caught their breath.

After a long moment Bellamy pulled out of her and they got cleaned up. Then he tugged her into his chest again, nuzzling her hair under the covers. Clarke could feel silent tears rolling down her cheeks and Bellamy felt them against his chest.

“Hey, hey, babe. Are you okay?” He pulled back to wipe the wetness from her cheeks with a look of concern.

“I’m just…happy,” Clarke admitted. Bellamy looked into her eyes earnestly.

“Me too,” he nodded, smiling. He kissed her once, long and slow. And then, wrapped around each other skin-to-skin, they both fell asleep.

~~~~

Bellamy woke up slowly as the sun creeped through Clarke’s bedroom window. Her back was against his chest and he had an arm wrapped around her stomach. The memory of last night flooded back and warmth spread through him. He was surprised to find that he didn’t have any regret after telling Clarke he loved her. He’d thought it every day for the last 10 years. Finally saying it felt like a sweet relief. He knew she would leave again and he still loved her and that was enough for today.

For a second he panicked about sneaking out of the house without Abby or Jake hearing him just like he had in high school. But then he remembered Jake’s wink last night and decided not to worry too much about it. Given that Clarke spent most of her vacations at his house anyways…he was pretty sure they’d be fine if they found out he’d stayed the night.

His stomach growled angrily, and Bellamy decided to slip downstairs and find a snack. Maybe make some coffee and bring a cup back for Clarke. Without waking her, he gave her a soft kiss on the shoulder and slipped out of bed and into his pajamas. He padded down the stairs quietly, trying not to make any noise, but was surprised to find Abby and Jake already in the kitchen. Abby was sipping coffee and Jake was sitting up in his wheelchair at the table, a glass of protein shake in his hand.

Bellamy felt his cheeks heat when Abby caught him at the foot of the stairs. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Good morning, Bellamy! There’s coffee in the pot. Is Clarke still asleep?” Abby barely even looked up from her own mug. There was zero hint of scandal or shock in her face.

So Bellamy decided to follow her lead and pretend like having coffee with the Griffins after he’d passionately made love to their daughter in the middle of the night wasn’t the weirdest place he’d found himself in awhile. He grabbed himself a mug from the cabinet.

“Yeah, I figured she could use the extra sleep,” he said, pouring his coffee.

Abby hummed in response and Bellamy sat down across from Jake at the table.

“How are you feeling today, Mr. Griffin?”

Jake rolled his eyes. “Son, I’ve only got days left, will you finally start calling me Jake before I die?”

He felt embarrassed and a little shocked at the morbidity, but Abby chuckled from the counter, so Bellamy smiled hesitantly.

“Of course. How are you feeling today, Jake?” He amended.

“Like pancakes.”

“Pancakes?”

“Let’s make us some pancakes, Son.”

And that’s exactly what they were doing when Clarke walked down the stairs ten minutes later.

Bellamy stood at the griddle with a spatula while Jake held a plate of finished pancakes on his lap, collecting them as Bellamy deemed them done. Abby sat at the table with a book and her coffee in front of her. She’d turned on Jake’s favorite Billy Joel album quietly in the background.

Clarke stood at the foot of the stairs looking shocked at the scene. Her hair was in a sloppy braid and her makeup from the day before was a little bit smudged, but she looked more beautiful than he could ever remember. Bellamy about abandoned the griddle and pulled her back up the stairs for another round.

But instead he just smiled at her, and she grinned back. She must have decided to roll with it like he had, because she walked right up to him and gave him a kiss on the lips.

“My two favorite guys are making me pancakes, huh?”

Jake looked happier than he had ever seen him and Bellamy knew exactly how the man felt.

The morning was spent playing cards in pajamas and eventually ordering takeout for lunch. Then they turned on the TV to find a Lord of the Rings marathon and all 4 of them curled up in the living room to watch. Clarke tucked herself under Bellamy’s arm and hung her legs over his and he thought he might die of happiness. Abby pulled out a puzzle when the second movie started and several hours later they ordered out for dinner too. Clarke sketched on a notepad as they finished the final movie.

Around 8:00 Jake was ready to sleep, so he and Abby said goodnight, retreating to their bedroom.

Only minutes after that Clarke’s lips were on his again and she was dragging Bellamy upstairs. She pressed him against the inside of her bedroom door and pulled his pants and boxers down in one swift move. She dropped to her knees and took his length into her mouth greedily.

She worked her expert tongue and lips on him as he clutched her hair with his hands. And after, barely making it to the bed, he returned the favor, sucking her most sensitive part into his mouth and lapping at her folds with his tongue.

Minutes or hours or days later, they lay in bed together again.

Clarke was mostly on top of him, her naked chest pressed into him and one leg nestled between his. More ‘I love you’s’ had been confessed in the heat of sex, and now there was a quiet peace blanketing them.

“I think this was the best day of my life,” Clarke admitted quietly.

Right then Bellamy decided that just for today, just for this week, he was going to pretend she was here to stay. He squeezed Clarke tighter and kissed her hair.

“Me too.”

~~~~

New Years Day had been the best day Clarke had ever had, but it was also the last good day with her dad. On January 2nd he couldn’t keep any food down. On January 3rd he was only awake for about an hour. And on January 4th Abby told her it was time to say goodbye.

Bellamy had gone home briefly to pack a bag with some essentials before returning to the Griffins for the long haul. Clarke had told him he didn’t have to stay, she knew it was depressing to be there waiting for the inevitable, but he’d quieted her with a kiss, said “I’m not going anywhere, Princess,” and promised he’d be back in an hour.

Now Clarke sat in her dad’s room, next to the bed he’d been asleep in for nearly two days. Her heart felt…confused. How could some of her happiest days be mixed in with her worst?

“Daddy?” She said quietly, trying to jostle Jake awake. She squeezed his hand and pressed her palm to his cold cheek. Finally his eyes opened and he gave her a pained smile.

“Hi, baby,” he whispered.

Clarke’s eyes filled with tears at his weak voice.

“I’m really gonna miss you, Dad.”

Jake turned his head to the side to brush his lips against her hand.

“I’m sorry I haven’t…I’m sorry I didn’t spend enough time here the last few years.” Clarke could tell it was hard for her dad to respond, so she kept going. “I shouldn’t have kept running away. I should have been here more to…” She trailed off, unable to get any more words out through her sobs.

“Shhh…” Jake managed to hush her. He squeezed her hand. “I’m so proud of you, baby. We were always so proud of you following your dreams.”

Clarke felt the impact of his words on her heart for a long quiet moment.

“Dad, what if…what if my dreams aren’t in LA anymore?” She’d said it so quietly she didn’t even know if he’d heard her over the beeping of the oxygen machine he was hooked up to.

But Jake was still gazing at his daughter fondly.

“Only you know what you really want, honey. But once you decide you can’t let it go.”

Clarke kissed her dad’s cheek and whispered, “I love you.” Within seconds he was asleep again.

Only she knew what she really wanted. What did she want?

Clarke wanted every day to be like the last week. She wanted her dad to stay alive and get better. She wanted to continue her art career. She wanted to kiss Bellamy a hundred times a day for the rest of her life.

Abby came in the room and together the three of them sat as a family for the last time, hands linked in a circle, with Jake sleeping in the middle.

And right then Clarke knew what she wanted most of all.

~~~~

Bellamy cried with Clarke when the news came later that afternoon. He held her to his chest all night as her tears flowed. He went out and got food the next day, trying to encourage both Griffin women to eat something. He made calls for the remaining funeral arrangements and accepted flowers and casseroles from their neighbors and friends.

At the funeral two days later Clarke only let go of his hand to stand in front of the whole town and deliver her dad’s eulogy. He helped carry Jake’s coffin to the cemetery and wrapped Clarke in his arms at the dedication of the grave.

And through every minute of mourning a building sense of dread was rising in him.

Bellamy knew that Clarke was going to stay in Arkadia until her dad passed. But now he was gone, and Bellamy was terrified that the inevitable was only days away. She was going to leave him again, back to her real life in LA, and he was going to be more heartbroken than he’d been 10 years ago when she’d left the first time.

Standing there in the light flurry of snow as they all said their final goodbyes to Jake Griffin, the man who had most resembled a father to him, Bellamy knew what he had to do.

At the luncheon afterward Clarke got swept up by some extended family members and Bellamy searched for his friends in the crowd. Finally he found Raven and Murphy, standing somberly in the front den.

“Where’s Clarke?” Raven asked as he approached. Usually when Clarke was in town she and Bellamy kept their relationship confined to the bedroom, not showing much affection when they were out with friends. But he was sure his friends had noticed his absence in the last few days and Clarke clinging to his arm throughout the funeral.

“She’s with her cousin for a minute,” Bellamy answered. “Listen, I need to talk to you guys real quick.”

“Dude, you cannot propose to Clarke at her dad’s funeral,” Murphy deadpanned.

“Shut up, Murphy,” Raven and Bellamy said in unison.

“I’m not gonna propose to her,” he continued. “Not right now anyways. But I think…” _Shit, was he really going to do this?_ Telling his friends was going to make it real and he’d only made this decision an hour ago.

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair.

“I’m going to move to LA,” he confessed.

Raven’s jaw dropped and for once in his goddamn life, Murphy was speechless.

“Say something,” he begged them.

“I think it’s about damn time,” Raven said at the exact same time that Murphy swore, “Fucking finally.” 

“Wait, really? You think it’s a good idea?” Given that none of his friends had ever told him to get his ass to LA when he’d been crying over Clarke in the past, Bellamy was just a bit surprised.

“Yeah, man,” Murphy said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You’ve been in love with her for 10 years. You’re obviously never going to stop. Go follow her to LA and finally be happy.”

“I agree. You guys are better together. If you have to move to LA to be together, then you honestly should have done it years ago.”

Bellamy felt a weight lift off his chest. He could do this. If his friends were on board, he could quit his job, sell his house, and follow the love of his life across the country.

If he got to wake up with Clarke next to him every morning, it would be worth it.

~~~~

A week later, things with her family had finally settled. Her relatives had gone back home, and Abby had gone back to work, wanting the distraction. The grief that had been building in Clarke for the last month was finally quieting just enough for her to start looking forward a few days at a time.

Bellamy had returned to school at the start of the week and while she missed him being with her all day, it gave her the time she needed to get some affairs in order.

It was Friday evening now and she knew she needed to talk to him. It was cruel that she hadn’t yet. But every minute they spent together in the last week, whether she was crying about her dad in his arms or drowning in his kiss, felt too precious to waste with logistics. She wanted to soak in every minute she got with him right now.

Clarke looked back and forth between her packed bag and the clock on her bedroom wall. He was supposed to be here an hour ago and he’d texted that he was running late from school, but she was starting to get worried that she was going to miss her flight.

Of course, Bellamy wasn’t worried because he didn’t know she was going back to LA tonight.

Finally she heard the door open downstairs (he’d practically lived there the last two weeks—he’d stopped knocking) and Bellamy’s footsteps were on the stairs.

He stepped into her room, smiling softly at her. And then he saw the packed suitcase on her bed. The smile fell from his face.

“You’re leaving?” He asked, suddenly emotionless.

“Yes, but let me…” Bellamy cut her off before she could finish.

“When?”

Clarke hesitated. “Tonight,” she finally admitted. “But Bell, listen. I…”

Bellamy huffed an angry sigh and ran his hands through his hair, turning away from her.

“Of course you’re leaving. That’s what you do. You always leave.”

She felt a pang of guilt and hurt in her chest.

“Bellamy, can I just explain for a second?”

“What is there to explain, Clarke? You live in LA. Of course you’re going home.”  
  
“It’s not what you…”

But Bellamy was so worked up it was like he couldn’t even hear her.

“The thing that really gets me though, is that you are going to just leave— _tonight_ —and you hadn’t even told me yet.” His hands were on his hips and he was shaking his head in disbelief and frustration. “Yeah, maybe for a second I let myself pretend we could actually be together this time, but you were going to go back to LA giving me—what? A couple hours notice? That’s all this has been to you? God, Clarke, and here I was thinking this time was different. Thinking that this time was about more than sex.”

Clarke balked at the accusation and felt fire start to rise in her chest. She had wanted to explain, but he clearly didn’t want to hear it. If he could turn on her and refuse to listen so easily, if he could think that for even a _second_ this hadn’t been real for her…maybe he didn’t deserve the whole story anyways.

So Clarke got mad, too.

“You _know_ what this has been to me,” she said in an angry whisper. “And you clearly don’t want to hear my side of the story so you should probably just leave and let me get on with my life.”

She watched the words hit and cut through him.

Clarke could feel herself just seconds away from breaking into sobs and feeling this betrayed by Bellamy she didn’t want him anywhere near when she did.

Bellamy was frozen in his tracks 6 feet away from her.

He met her eyes for a second, and she couldn’t read them.

Then he turned around and walked out the door.

~~~~

Bellamy slammed his front door behind him in a fury. He stormed into the living room and collapsed onto the couch, dropping his head in his hands heavily.

He felt…well, he felt too much to process it all.

He was ashamed of the way his words had hurt Clarke. He’d been able to read it in her eyes the second his accusation landed.

But more than that he was pissed. He was pissed at himself for believing that Clarke wanted to be with him and he was pissed at her for not caring enough to tell him she’d been planning on leaving after all.

_This wasn’t how it was supposed to go._

He was going to tell her tonight.

After a week back at school he’d finally had a meeting with his principal just that morning to discuss his plans. Bellamy had told Principal Pike that he knew it wasn’t fair to quit spur of the moment, so he was giving his tentative notice and wouldn’t actually move to LA until they’d found a replacement for him. He figured it would take a month or two to find a good candidate and Bellamy even offered to help in the hiring process. Principal Pike had been incredibly understanding once he found out why Bellamy needed to move to LA.

“Clarke Griffin was always one of my best students,” he’d said. “She’s worth moving across the country for.”

Bellamy, like a fucking idiot, had agreed with hearts in his eyes.

He’d even texted Wells, who was the best realtor in Arkadia, and asked how long it would take to get the duplex ready to list.

 _A fucking idiot,_ Bellamy thought.

After the funeral, after he’d decided to follow her to LA, Bellamy had just been waiting until he felt like she was ready to talk about something besides her dad. He wanted to give her the time and space she needed to grieve and not spring anything on her. But a full week had passed and he was bursting at the seams to tell her his plan…

Meanwhile she hadn’t said a word to him about her own.

Bellamy trudged to the kitchen for a bottle of bourbon and then went straight back to the couch. He felt angry and betrayed and he wanted to drink until he felt nothing.

A knock on his door woke up Bellamy up with a start. Before he could process anything, the banging continued. There was a pounding in his head that echoed the sound.

“Bellamy, I know you’re in there, open the damn door!”

The pounding continued.

Bellamy sat up from the couch and held his aching head in his hands.

 _What time was it? What_ day _was it?_

He heard the sound of his front door opening and looked up in time to see Octavia walk into the living room carrying his spare key. She grimaced at the mess around him.

Bellamy surveyed the room and found it was indeed worth a grimace. There was the bottle of bourbon, plus a large spread of beer bottles, and a tall glass of vodka stacked across the coffee table, all empty. Bellamy was in the same clothes he’d been wearing since Friday, sans shoes and belt, and he was sporting several days of facial hair growth. The only light in the room was coming from the setting sun out the window.

“What the fuck, Bell?” His sister carefully pushed all the bottles to one side of the table and sat down on the other.

“I…yeah…” Bellamy felt a sting of embarrassment underneath the anger still simmering.

“You’ve been on this couch since Friday, haven’t you?”

Bellamy didn’t even need to answer.

“Alright, get up.”

Bellamy wavered on his feet a bit, but he obeyed.

“You’re disgusting. Go take a shower. Now.”

Bellamy trudged off without arguing.

Fifteen minutes later, in clean pajamas, showered, and teeth brushed, Bellamy came back out to the living room and saw that Octavia had cleaned up. The blankets he’d been wrapped in were folded neatly, the trash surrounding him had been cleared, and she’d turned on every light on the main floor.

“Sit,” she ordered. So he sat.

“Explain,” she ordered. So he tried.

“She left, O. Clarke left. And she wasn’t even going to tell me about it.”

Octavia was quiet for a minute, ruminating.

“She didn’t want you to go with her?”

Bellamy felt a twinge of something in the back of his head.

“No, I didn’t exactly get the chance to tell her I wanted to.”

Octavia’s eyes narrowed.

“So…what happened then? You showed up at her house and she was gone?”

“Well, not exactly,” Bellamy was getting flustered. “I went over there and she was already packed and ready to leave. She’d made all these plans and not even talked to me about them.”

Octavia looked at her brother like he was the biggest dunce in the world.

“But you _also_ made a bunch of plans and didn’t talk to her about them.”

_Shit._

“But that was different, O,” he tried to defend. “My plans were about us staying together. Hers were about leaving me. Again.”

“What did she say when you got to her house?”

Bellamy thought for a second. His brain still felt fuzzy from the hangover and if he was being honest, he didn’t really remember Clarke saying much of anything.

Slowly the conversation he’d had in her room came back to him. He started to recognize that feeling in the back of his head. It was shame, seeping into him rapidly.

“Well, her bag was packed and then I got upset and said some pretty shit things and then she told me to leave.” 

“She didn’t explain why she was leaving?”

Bellamy dropped his head between his knees.

“I didn’t let her,” he mumbled.

When he finally looked back up, Octavia was just staring at him, disappointment and exactly zero surprise on her face.

“I fucked up.”

“Yeah, big brother, it sounds like you probably did.”

Octavia walked to the kitchen while Bellamy stewed in his shame and walked back a second later with a water bottle. He gratefully drank the whole thing in one go.

“What am I going to do, O?” He felt pathetic, begging his baby sister for help with his relationship. But he was quickly realizing he wasn’t equipped to handle this on his own.

“Well,” she started calmly, “That depends on if you still want the same things you wanted on Friday or if you don’t want to be with her after all.”

Bellamy was immediately horrified by the idea.

“Of course I want to be with her!” He exclaimed adamantly. “I’ve always wanted to be with her. I just don’t know if she still wants to be with me. Or if she ever did.”

“Come on, Bell, even you’re not that stupid. That girl’s been carrying a torch for you since the day you met.”

Three days ago Bellamy would have accepted that. But he wasn’t so sure anymore.

“She should have told me she was leaving.”

“Yeah, she should have,” Octavia agreed. “And you should have told her you wanted to go with her.”

Bellamy knew both things were true.

“But if you still want to be with her…and you’re still willing to move to LA…and Clarke happens to _be_ in LA…” Octavia was waiting for Bellamy to reach the obvious conclusion, but he was suddenly looking around the room frantically.

“Where’s my phone?” Bellamy asked. “I need to buy a plane ticket _now.”_

~~~~

Clarke surveyed her apartment slowly. There were a lot of things she didn’t love about LA, but this apartment had never been one of them. It was a wide loft in the corner spot on the 6th floor of an old brick building, but the inside was modern and refurbished. There were huge windows on two of the walls in the main area, and a large extra bedroom she’d used as a studio with tons of light.

Her third year in the city Clarke had commissioned a mural for a startup that had gone global and they’d paid her more money than she’d ever had at one time. The first thing she’d done with the earnings was eat at the fanciest restaurant she could find, and the second had been moving out of her shitty one bedroom and into this one.

She really was sad to leave it.

Clarke had spent the last seven days back in LA packing nearly everything she owned in brown cardboard boxes, carefully taped and labeled. When her lease was up back in December she’d asked the landlord about going month-to-month for the new year, since she wasn’t sure what was going to happen with her dad and she wanted the flexibility. So it had been pretty simple to find someone to replace her when she’d called her landlord the day after her dad died.

That person was moving in next week, and Clarke had even managed to sell the new tenant some of her furniture that she didn’t want to pay to move back to Arkadia.

Her sectional couch was facing an empty entertainment center. There were rows of boxes lined up against the window, waiting for the movers coming day after tomorrow. The kitchen cabinets were emptied and open, proving they’d been cleaned spotless.

Clarke had a couple things left to finish out at the museum office tomorrow, but then she was free to go. She was driving her car back to Arkadia and would be officially moved home.

And as soon as she got there she’d have to deal with Bellamy.

Clarke had stopped being mad at him the second he’d walked out her bedroom door. He was right—she should have told him what she was planning from the beginning. She’d known for over a week that LA wasn’t her home anymore. She’d known after her last conversation with Jake and had started making plans right away.

But if she was being honest, Clarke had been worried to tell Bellamy about it. She was 95% sure he would be elated at the news, but that 5% in the back of her head made her scared. Moving back to Arkadia meant commitment. It meant forever. And even though Bellamy had told her a hundred times since New Years that he loved her…they’d never actually talked about forever.

Clarke started toward the refrigerator to grab her takeout leftovers when she heard a knock at the door.

It was 9:00 on a Friday night and she had very few friends in the city. Who was at her door?

Clarke walked over to open it, figuring it was a delivery of something she’d forgotten she ordered. But when she pulled it open her heart stopped in her chest.

There was Bellamy. Standing in her doorway with a suitcase next to him and a desperate look on his face.

Clarke took what felt like her first breath in a week.

“What are you doing here?” She asked him carefully.

Bellamy took a big breath, looking like he was prepping himself for a speech.

But all that came out was, “I’m so sorry.”

Clarke could see the earnestness in his face. She realized that she hardly cared what he had to say, she just wanted to wrap her arms around him.

Instead she waited for him to continue.

“Clarke, I was an absolute _jerk_. I didn’t listen to what you had to say and I was wrong to accuse you like that. I was mad that you hadn’t told me you were planning to leave, but I hadn’t told you my plans either and that wasn’t fair of me at all.”

“Wait, what plans?” Clarke asked, suddenly confused.

Bellamy stepped into her foyer hesitantly, leaving his bag behind him and reaching out for her hands. He licked his lips as he grasped both her hands in his and she felt a shiver run down her spine.

“I decided I wanted to move to LA with you,” he explained. “And I should have talked to you about it the second I did.”

Clarke’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“You…you were going to move to LA?” In all of their years together she’d never asked him to do that for her.

“I _am_ going to move to LA, Clarke. If you’ll still have me.”

Bellamy’s eyes were like a chastened puppy dog. He was looking at her with so much remorse and hope and love.

And Clarke laughed.

He dropped her hands, clearly thrown. He glanced around her apartment for the first time in confusion and Clarke saw the moment it all started to click into place.

“Why…Clarke, why are there boxes everywhere?”

Clarke was beaming at the realization that was beginning to dawn on his face.

“Because I’m leaving LA, you idiot. For good this time.”

Bellamy closed his eyes and looked like he was holding himself back from something.

“I’m going to need you to explain this to me really clearly, because I don’t think I can handle any more misunderstandings right now.”

Clarke stepped around him to pull his suitcase inside and close the door before she told him the whole story.

“I don’t want to live in LA anymore, Bell. It’s not my home. It never has been. I quit my job at the museum and I have a good lead on one in Arkadia. I’m moving home to be closer to my mom. And to be with you.” Before he could respond she added with a knowing smile, “If you’ll still have me.”

Clarke stood in front of him for one long second before he closed the distance. He pulled her into his arms, too close to even kiss her, and buried his nose in her hair. He inhaled deeply and her arms came around his back, clutching him tightly to her chest.

After a long moment of rocking her back and forth he finally pulled back just enough to lean his forehead against hers. Clarke felt their breaths mixing together in the space between them. His hands trailed down her arms, leaving a line of heat until he rested them on her hips.

“God, I love you,” he breathed in awe.

“And I love you.”

Clarke knew there was more to say, but they had a lifetime to say it. The desire for him burned deep inside of her and she didn’t want to fight it anymore. So she leaned in and captured his lips with her own.

Bellamy responded in earnest, yanking her hips flush against his and slipping his tongue across her bottom lip immediately. She opened to him as she ran her hands down his hard back to the hem of his shirt. She pressed one hand to the hot skin underneath and she felt him getting hard against her groin. Stumbling backward toward the couch, Bellamy’s hands came under her shirt and he teased the back of her bra with his fingers.

“You know,” she whispered seductively as he lowered her onto the couch, “We can be as loud as we want now. Not a soul here but you and me.”

Bellamy growled into her neck. He tore her shirt off hastily and she his. Then her bra disappeared and there, there, _there_ he was again, pinching her nipples between his fingers. Clarke gasped loudly.

“There we go, babe,” he grumbled between her breasts. “That’s what I like to hear.”

He kissed his way down her body until he got to the drawstring of her sweats. Clarke’s hands were already frantically trying to push them down her body. Bellamy grabbed one of her hands in his and pressed a sweet kiss to her palm.

And then he pulled them all the way off and she was bare before him.

Clarke was desperate for the pressure of his mouth on her softest spot. She was burning with need. But before Bellamy granted her wish, he moved back up to gaze into her eyes with the softest smile.

“I love you,” he said again confidently. “I love you now and I’ve loved you for 10 years and I am never, ever going to stop.”

Clarke pulled his mouth down to hers.

“This is it,” she said against him. “It’s me and you forever, okay?” Bellamy kissed her gently again and then he moved back down her body.

He pulled her legs over his shoulders, giving himself a better angle, and open-mouth kissed the inside of her thighs. Finally he reached her center. He gave her a soft kiss, right at her peak, and then he licked the length of her folds slowly. Clarke whimpered in pleasure. She reached one hand into his hair and she squeezed her own breast with the other.

Bellamy teased her with small kisses and licks for long enough that she was squirming beneath him and audibly begging him for more. Finally, _finally,_ he circled his tongue over her clit. Clarke released an embarrassingly loud “YES” at his touch. He growled into her and the vibrations sent shoots of pleasure through her body. He dove in with earnest, sucking and sucking and sucking her most sensitive place into his hot mouth. His rough hands gripped her thighs.

“Right there, Bellamy, please, don’t stop.”

Bellamy’s lips and tongue were relentless. She coiled tighter and tighter, her legs clenching his head between them as she approached her peak. With one last hot press of his tongue, Clarke came apart. Her yell echoed through the empty apartment as beats of pleasure rocked through her.

Bellamy moved his way back up her body, pulling his pants off as he did. He lazily sucked a mark into the top of her breast as she came down from her high.

“I don’t think I can move,” she said breathlessly. “I think you finally did it, Bellamy Blake. I think you may have killed me with sex.”

She felt Bellamy chuckle into her chest, but he was otherwise unaffected by her humor. He moved his mouth up to her neck, continuing to caress her with his lips. She hoped he was leaving marks all over her. She wanted to look at them tomorrow and know exactly where he’d been.

Finally, Clarke regained the strength to reach down and grip his hard length. She wanted him in her mouth, but she wanted him flush against her more. In one smooth move, she pushed Bellamy onto his back on the couch, bringing herself to kneel above him.

He raised an excited eyebrow at her.

“Oh you want me underneath you, huh, Princess?”

Clarke hushed him and hastily lined herself up with him. She lowered herself onto his erection, bouncing just a little to wet him as she went. He groaned underneath her and dug his fingers into her hips. She started moving, up and down, using her hands on his chest to give herself leverage.

“Clarke?” Bellamy gasped out.

“Bell?” She responded coyly.

“I know you were playing with yourself earlier, but I was doing some of my best work and missed it. Think you could give me the show again?”

Desire pooled in Clarke’s center again and she complied. She brought her hands back up to her breasts and Bellamy watched as she squeezed them. They spilled out of her small hands and she arched her back. Bellamy started moving them together quicker, and Clarke’s head fell back in pleasure as he rocked into her clit.

“God, babe, that’s so hot.” Bellamy hadn’t taken her eyes off of her. She pulled at her nipples hard and moaned. They were thrusting into each other rapidly now and Bellamy brought a thumb to circle her clit, never losing their steady pace. He’d barely touched her when she was falling apart again, her body clenching around him in spasms. Her hands fell back to his chest as her orgasm racked through her, and a second later Bellamy was groaning as he released himself inside her. Clarke fell into him and he bit down on her shoulder as he continued to rock into her softly.

They laid like that together for a long time, still connected.

“I cannot believe,” Bellamy finally whispered, “That we get to have sex like that for the rest of our lives.”

Clarke giggled into his neck happily.

She knew, and so did he, that it had never been just sex. It was sex and love and friendship and partnership. And now, finally, it was forever.

~~~~

**_11 months later_ **

Clarke was standing on tiptoes trying to fix the garland that had fallen off the corner of the doorway. She could almost reach, but every time she thought she had it on the nail it slipped again.

Bellamy watched her fondly for a moment before coming up behind her to help.

“Sorry to say it, Princess, but I think you might need some help with this one.”

He fit the garland in place and leaned back, spinning his wife around in his arms. He planted a soft kiss to her lips and then they both looked out over the gallery together.

Clarke had begged Harper and Monty to let her host the annual Christmas party this year. With a rambunctious 10 month old, they were happy to hand over the rights.

The art gallery was decorated to the nines. There was garland everywhere and a 12 foot tree in the main walkway, right next to the portrait Clarke had done of Jake last winter. Clarke and Raven had spent hours stringing twinkling white lights from the beams of the old building. Clarke was beaming proudly at her handiwork, and Bellamy was beaming proudly at her.

Eleven months earlier, after an incredible night of makeup sex, Clarke had finally told Bellamy her full plan for moving back to Arkadia. He’d been worried she was giving up on her dream for him, but laying in bed together she’d told him she had it all figured out.

“Remember that old church on Main Street that’s been empty for years? Well…I kind of…bought it. I already talked to Monty about helping me renovate it, and I’m going to turn it into Arkadia’s first art gallery. I think it could be really, really amazing, Bell.”

And it was. She’d used some of her fancy art contacts to purchase some big pieces, hung some of her own work, and went on the hunt for new artists in the area to include. Clarke had also started hosting kids art nights a couple times a month, as well as wine and paint nights for adults. She’d opened at the end of summer and the place had been busy ever since.

As soon as they’d gotten back to Arkadia, Bellamy had followed up with Wells about selling the duplex. He’d found a buyer quickly, and had purchased a small house just down the hill from Monty and Harper. Clarke had moved in immediately. Bellamy had planned on waiting a year to propose, but in a fit of love one night, just two months after they’d moved into the new house, he’d begged her to marry him. In lieu of a big wedding they’d had Mayor Kane marry them in the town square a week later. It had been the best day of Bellamy’s life.

Bellamy wrapped his arms around his wife from behind.

“It’s perfect,” he told her. He let a hand drift down to her stomach and she placed one on top of his.

“I can’t wait to tell them,” Clarke whispered. Bellamy hummed into her neck.

“Me too, babe. Little Jordan has been needing a friend.”

Six weeks ago Bellamy had waited outside the bathroom door as Clarke peed on the little stick. He was pacing back and forth across the tile floor when she came out, smiling, and holding it up for him to see. Two pink lines.

That had been the second best day of Bellamy’s life.

Bellamy turned when he heard the first of their friends on the steps outside the front doors. Murphy was loudly picking on Jasper, and he could definitely pick out Octavia’s laugh. Clarke looked up at him excitedly and kissed him once more.

“You ready, babe?” He asked her.

Clarke grinned.

“’Tis the season.”

The door opened to all of their friends and Bellamy had never loved the holidays more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I have been living for the comments and kudos. This is the first modern au, first smut, first multi-chapter fic I've ever finished and it means a lot that people have read it! 
> 
> Merry Christmas!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! <3 Let me know how you're feeling about reading the second half!


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